The Hand That Holds No More

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

Last Goodbye, Jeff Buckley


November 27, 2008. With the aid of Vodka Ice and SanMig Light, I finally had the courage to tell The Tamblot that I want to discontinue whatever it is that we have. These were the words I said: This will be the last time that we'll be together. Please don't contact me again. I want to move on and I can't do that if we keep on seeing each other.

I was holding his face and I was looking into his eyes while saying these. It took so much effort to control my voice so the raging emotions inside wouldn't show. I kissed him, then I closed my eyes and basked in the scent that I've come to love these past three years. When he hugged me, I took to memory even the littlest details of how it felt like having him so close. I didn't look back as I left. How could I? I was desperately fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. I didn't want him to see me crying lest he see just how affected I was.

Darn. I hate goodbyes.

I'll miss The Tamblot, that's for sure. I'll miss his hugs, his kisses, his corny jokes, his laughter, and the scent that's uniquely his. I'll miss touching his oily face and his equally oily hair. I'll miss talking to him and I'll miss the feel of his hand holding mine.

Nonetheless, I will stand by my decision. I love him but it's high time I love myself more.

Year 2

We celebrated the 2nd year of ABP operations in Cebu last Saturday. The first edition of the ABP Amazing Race was held in the afternoon. The unlikely winners who made the race really "amazing" all came from my team! Ha! Never underestimate underdogs.

Party in the evening was themed Safari Night Camp. Managers, supervisors, analysts, trainers, and agents all came in dressed up accordingly. This is me all ready for the safari (I bought my coaster earrings for a mere P26!) with my tools of trade for the night. The games and the presentations were all crazy. The party was so much fun!

After-party was at Kalye 80's and at YO.U. Booze galore! Everybody had a good time. I went home at 6AM and I slept with a smile on my face. What a fun-filled day it has been!

Jam Master Yogi Hen

The first thing I did upon waking up on Sunday was cry. Nope, I wasn't on "quarter-life crisis" mode. It was because I received this SMS from Yogi Hen:

Thanks pud kaayo, parekoy! Because of our common interests, you made my PS life more homely. Padayon ta sa atong mga trip ha. Mingawon jud ko nimo. Pangitaun kaayo ang sama nimo. Way binuang ni.

Now, this is one message I'll be saving forever!

I'll miss you too, Parekoy! Your ways are inspiring. You are most admired. I'll always remember you with great fondness. Thank you for the memories!

I'll see you on the 30th!

PS.

I took this photo during the after-party at YO.U. Paduy was taking a break then. Thanks, Oslec! :)

Give Love

I did a clean up of my room last weekend. I finally got rid of training manuals from my two previous accounts. It's a wonder how they survived almost three years just locked away in the closet. Boy, my skills are waning with age.

Anyway, I noticed that I've quite few shirts I don't wear anymore due sadly, to size constraints. What better way to put them to good use? I plan on using all of them as rags. Kidding! I've decided that I'll be donating them to an orphanage this Christmas. (They're mostly baby tees so it's just appropriate.) I've suggested a Christmas party in an orphanage for the account but my fellow supervisors and my manager didn't seem sold out to the idea. I'm quite sure we'll come up with an event wherein we'll be able to share our blessings to others, especially the kids. If not, then I'll just hand over the shirts to Kid A. They (him and his officemates) organized a gift-giving last December and I'm pretty confident they'll be doing it again this year.

Pack Rat (I'm not)

There's something exciting and liberating about getting rid of things I think I would not need anymore. At the back of my mind, there's always the fear that I might regret the decision one day. There have been quite a few times when I did and it's always deplorable.

Making the decision is never easy but I go on simply because I abhor clutter.

Alice in Wonderland

This is not a review. In fact, this is in no way connected to the story. Alice in Wonderland was where we stayed in Boracay.

Overall, I had a great time. I loved the road trips. We passed by places named Pototan (Middle Earth's Shire) and Balete (can't recall seeing a Balete tree) while listening to Rihanna's Disturbia. Ha! Thank goodness I brought my own cds. I had with me Jack Johnson, Smooth Friction, and Radiohead which made traveling to and from Caticlan way cooler. The beach was fantastic! No creepy seaweeds, much to my satisfaction. Boracay surely lived up to its reputation. The Tamblot and I walked almost the entire shoreline and took lots of pictures. We swam to our hearts' content, we roamed, we ate Cyndi Lauper the Crepe, we drank Sex on the Beach, and there was a time we spoke in English so people would think he was Korean. I find doing the last one really amusing.

Despite all these, there were things I planned on doing but I wasn't able to. For one, I didn't have a picture of me caught jumping in midair. I realized this on the trip back to Iloilo and it depressed me for a while. "Jump shots" from previous trips were unsuccessful because point-and-shoot cameras weren't fast enough. The Tamblot's SLR would've eliminated that difficulty and I already imagined what my poses would be to avoid looking funny and awkward.

So much for planning...

Another thing I failed to do was discuss with The Tamblot what the real score is between us. I wasn't going to settle for a commitment-free relationship anymore. There were many chances to do so. Why didn't I? I chickened out, I guess. I was afraid that if I discuss things with him, it'll be the end of it all. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I've read that repeated experiences teach us what we refuse to learn. Do I like the pain? I don't. I detest the cycle. Why then do I keep on coming back? Why can't I simply end things and be done with this phase? I have the power to better my situation. When will I have the courage to move on?

Yes, yaya. I am such a loser.


To Sher Butter, Jabbered Onion, Baller Coyote, Dhon, Big J, and BFF Lapad:

This is a confession. I'm sorry I lied. Please don't give up on me. Don't think that your advices have fallen on deaf ears. They haven't. It may not seem like it but I really am trying. Thank you for your concern.

Please understand

I'm sorry I've let you down.
I just had to escape today.
I can't think on my feet as well as you do.
I hope you understand.

Famous Last Words

From an epitaph:

Pause, stranger, when you pass me by
For as you are, so once was I.
As I am now, so will you be
Then prepare unto death, and follow me.

A stranger's response (crudely engraved):

To follow you I'm not content
Until I know which way you went!

This story was part of the priest's sermon during the 5:30 PM mass at Metropolitan Cathedral yesterday. I found it funny. Unfortunately, not everybody reacted the same way I did.

To the Faithful Departed

My favorite pair has finally surrendered to the dark force. There will be no remedy this time. I will let her rest. I'm just hoping that I can find another one as pretty, as loyal, and as durable.